I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
