i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
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