I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
