there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
