I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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