There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
