Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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