Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
