Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
