At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
