God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
someone threw a dead crab at me
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
