Plan B is the new Plan A
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
