broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
