Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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