When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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