i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
