Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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