apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
