the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
