Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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