just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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