I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
