Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
