thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Randomize
