I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
