did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
