Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
