apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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