Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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