Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
