instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
40s are totally the cure
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
