What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I did not marry a roomba.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
