hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
