i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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