Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
