How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
