I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just sucked dick on a ferry
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
