my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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