one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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