Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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