You can't special order awesome
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
dude. I can hear the air.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
