They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
