Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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