Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
