I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i love accidental penises.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
