She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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