I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
