im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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