woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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