Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
