her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
