sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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