i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
