I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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