Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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